E8- Self acceptance and fitness

Episode Transcript

Hello, welcome to the Divergent Fitness podcast. My name is Amber Sobrio-Ritter, I'm your host. I am a personal trainer and behavior analyst and mom of three living in the Bay area, California. So I'm super excited to dive into our topic this week.

The focus of this program is really to take behavior analysis, the science of human behavior, and apply it to some new situations that affect moms specifically, usually within the realm of fitness and help mothers to be more successful in these different domains, right?

Whether it's showing up for yourself, whether it's showing up for your kids, being able to use all of the research that has been done on human behavior and modify your behavior to be more in line with your values. So the last couple weeks we have been diving into the topic of values, and then we went into goals, right?

Because the way the system kind of works is that you start by looking at your values and what's really meaningful to you. You look at why those values are meaningful to you. You make sure that those are your values and that the reasons they're meaningful to you are yours alone, right? And then we create goals based on those values.

But then the thing is that a lot of times we have goals that we've created and we tell ourselves, I'm going to do X, Y, and Z constantly, but it feels really hard to do it in real life, right? And that's where systems work comes in. That's where you take the work that you have done to identify what matters to you and you manifest it in real life.

You learn how to take this abstract concept of values and make it real for you. And show up every day, spend some amount of time throughout your day working on things that matter to you, not just things that are imposed onto you by society, but the way to live a life that has joy and contentment and fulfillment is to spend some part of your day doing something that really matters to you. And implementation is usually where things fall apart.

Because this can be really hard, especially if you are a mom and there are a lot of people's needs pulling on your time. There's the whole family system, your kids, your kids might have special needs, your kids might have... They might need extra support in some way, your partner, you might be a caregiver for an elderly parent.

There are so many contingencies that we're operating under on a daily basis that it's really important to let the things that we most highly prioritize sort of rise to the surface and then let everything else fall below it. Right? If some things don't get done, that's okay.

But the thing that doesn't get done, can't be you, right? The thing that doesn't get done, can't be the stuff that matters to you most. Because it just keeps happening. There's no point in time in which your kids or your partner or anybody will say, "Listen, you look stressed.

Let me take over." Right? It's not to say that that never happens, but that's not going to happen consistently, a lot of the time because we're really good at just pretending like we're okay and that we're doing well, right? As mom. So how could somebody even know how to step in for us or when to step in for us. And not to mention, it's not that person's job.

It's not that person's role to have to sort of mind read and figure out what we need, that's really up to us. So really I wanted to go into systems today, but I started thinking more about just values. I wanted to say more about human behavior and just kind of go into it a little bit deeper. So I want to take today to do that, and then I want to look at systems next week.

So I want to start by just saying that there are two reasons that we engage in behavior. One, is to access desired stimuli, something that we want, and the other is to avoid or end and aversive stimulus, something that we don't want. Right? I can tell you a secret in order to access a million dollars, or I can tell you a secret in order to stop being tortured.

And there are all of these different sort of sub-domains that fall underneath those, but those are going to be the two biggest reasons for engaging in behavior. Something desirable to you is going to look different than something desirable to me. Something desirable for you might be money or fame.

And for me, something desirable might be control, right? It doesn't matter what that thing is, but basically you're trying to access that desired stimulus. And the same thing with avoiding or ending an aversive stimulus, something that's aversive to you might not be aversive to me and vice versa.

So it's very individualized from person to person, but these are the two biggest reasons that humans engage in behavior. So I was thinking about this the other day and I was considering two scenarios. Okay. So let's talk about exercising. Let's use this as our scenario. So I can either exercise.

I can either engage in that behavior of exercising because access a desired stimulus. That's our first example, right? So this desired stimulus might be I enjoy the feeling of exercise. I enjoy the way I feel after exercise. I feel connected to others through exercise.

I feel proud of my body and I see exercise as valuable and necessary. I crave it. I don't dread it, right? In that way, I'm accessing a desired stimulus through exercise. Now, let's look at another reason that people might engage in exercise, right? And it's important to note that on the surface, it looks the same.

So whether you show up because you want to access something desirable or whether you show up because you want to avoid something unpleasurable, we're both attending the same workout class, right? But it's really important why we show up and I'm going to go into that in a second.

So just to move forward with this example of you're trying to avoid or end an aversive stimulus. So if I have a lot of thoughts about my body that are really negative and I have so much of my self worth and my value tied up with the way my body looks, the way it's physically presented to the world.

And I exercise, I use those feelings, right? As fuel to push me toward exercise. How many of us do this? How many of us use negative self talk as fuel to get something done? If I talk badly enough to myself, if I beat myself up long enough, if I shit talk myself for long enough, eventually I'm going to get so sick of it I am going to engage in this behavior.

Okay. So now let's look at how that's different. Now I'm showing up to exercise not because I find that it has intrinsic value to me or it's intrinsically rewarding, but I'm showing up because I want to avoid this aversive internal stimulus, in my brain, self-loathing, lack of self-worth.

So I'm not accessing any of those things that are desirable, but I show up in order to avoid self hate essentially, right? Now let's take another example, think of connecting with your children. Now I want you to first think of it from avoiding or ending an aversive internal stimulus. Okay?

So I'm thinking to myself, "Oh my gosh, I haven't spent any quality time with my kids lately. I'm a shit mom. What's wrong with me? The kids just want my time and attention." Right? These are all the thoughts that can go through your brain. All the thoughts you can have about yourself. And I think, "Okay, fine. I'll do it."

I've sort of bullied myself into doing this thing because I want to avoid all of these negative thoughts I have about myself when I don't do this thing. So I want you to think about how that affects the way you show up. So if I show up because I'm trying to avoid self hate.

If I show up because I'm trying to avoid self-loathing. I'm with my kids, but I'm looking at the clock and the timer, I'm waiting for it to be over. I'm resentful that it's in the way of other things that I'm doing. I feel farther away from myself when I'm engaging with the kids.

Maybe I feel even, I still feel disconnected from them, but I'm still showing up so they might not perceive that. I'm present, but I'm not engaged. Now I want you to think of if you're connecting with your kids because you just enjoy your kids. Okay? Part of this is that you have to choose an activity that you enjoy doing with your kids.

Okay? So this is going to make a big difference. If I'm just trying to show up and connect with my kids to avoid the adversive stimulus of being a crap mom, I'm just waiting for it to be over. I'm just waiting for it to end so I can say, "There, I'm not a crappy mom. See.

See, self. I showed up. I showed up for my kids for this amount of time today and I did it." And in the other situation, I show up because I really just want to be with them. I want to spend this time with them. I lose track of time because I'm enjoying it so much. I'm sad when it's over.

I crave the connection when it's absent, I'm not dreading it, I'm not focused on outcomes, I laugh easily, there's a lightness to my energy, I'm present and I'm engaged. Now an important point here is not that one person loves their kids more than the other.

It's that one person, first of all, made that decision from a place of lack, from a place of deficit, from a place of not being good enough. It's hard to set a boundary when you view yourself so negatively.

So let's say for me, if I view myself in a negative way, it's hard for me to think that how I like to spend my time with my kids matters. It's hard for me to say, "I don't really love this thing, but I love this thing. And I'll show up for my kids in this way."

And to kind of set a little boundary there like, "I don't love playing soccer, but I love doing a board game. Let's do that." But if I'm coming from a place of, "You are not a good mom," I kind of feel like I have to show up however the kids ask. Like, "Mom, we want you to do this." And so I kind of feel like, "Oh, fine." Right?

Because I don't know how, I don't even value my perspective enough, I don't even value my feelings enough to try and choose something that I enjoy. Are the kids going to have these horrible memories of mom never played soccer with us, she only did board games?

Of course not. Kids just want to spend time with you. They just love being with you, right? So there's absolutely nothing wrong with picking something that you like more. But if you don't value yourself, you don't value your feelings and your perspective, it's going to be really hard for you to see through all that negative self talk long enough to even be able to identify a better solution for yourself, right?

It's all or nothing. It's like, "Oh, I hate doing this activity. I'm horrible at pretend with the kids. I've always been horrible at it." That's not very growth mindset thing to say. "I'm not good at it and I haven't spent the time to get good at it," how about that? And, "I don't find it inherently enjoyable. However, I love bike rides. I love hikes.

I love cuddling and talking. I love playing a game together. I like these kinds of things." Right? And so I'm able to have all of that negative self-talk come up. I recognize it's just coming from a place of wanting to help me be a better mom, because that is something that I value. I've identified that as being something that's valuable to me.

So let me just take a minute and see if there's a way that I can show up in a way that I value and in a way that I enjoy. Those two things can come together. I really think it's so important to look at all of the behaviors that you're engaging in and try to figure out is this coming from a place of wanting to avoid negative self talk because I'm always beating myself up or do I really enjoy this thing.

And if I don't really enjoy this thing, is there a way to do it differently so that I can enjoy this thing. It's okay to enjoy certain activities with your kids and not others. That's okay, because hi, you are human and you have preferences. That is all right. That is the same for your kids.

I'm not going to ask my kids to go shopping with me. I'm not going to ask my kids to have girl talk with me. I'm not going to ask my kids to dive deep into psychological theory with me. At the same time, I'm not big into video games. So they're not going to ask me to play video games with them.

But is there something that we both like? Great, then that's the best case scenario. So this is why considering our values has to come first before everything else. Because if we're choosing goals based on the values of others, on the surface, like I said, the behaviors might not look significantly different. Right?

She's going to the exercise class, I'm going to the exercise class. We're both doing it, but the energy that we bring each time is profoundly different and will determine our ability to consistently show up, to engage in this behavior for the long haul.

How long am I going to be able to show up consistently when the only reason I'm doing it is because I don't want to hate myself? Instead of enjoying it, instead of finding value in it, I'm just trying not to hate myself. That's not going to last. Because what's going to happen is you are trying to earn self-acceptance through your behavior.

You're trying to earn it. You can't, you can't earn in. You just get it, but you're the one to give it to yourself. Nobody else can give it to you. It has to be you. So let's say you're white knuckling it. You're showing up to this exercise class. You hate this class. You just don't want to feel lazy.

Maybe you have this old belief that you can't follow through on things. And you're, "I can't let that be true. I can't let that be true." So you're showing up to this exercise class that you hate. As soon as you fail in some other area of your life. And when I say fail, what I mean is be a human and not be able to sustain something.

You're going to say, "Screw it. I can't even stay consistent in this other area." Or, "Obviously I messed up at work. I suck. And what's the point of even doing this exercise class anyways?" It's like it's this slash the other three tires mentality.

I already messed up. Oh, well, I'll just give up. I'm not going to do anything because obviously I can't. I can't do anything well. Here's the thing, you're trying to do a lot of things that you hate. Maybe you're trying to do a lot of things that you hate perfectly, which is double whammy, because nobody can do that.

So you can't sustain it because eventually you're just going to think, look, I'm never going to be able to earn self acceptance because even when I'm doing well in this area, I'm not doing well in this area. Damn. There's still something to beat myself up about, always. There's something. Yes, I'm showing up consistently to this exercise class.

But now I am not spending the time with my kids that I wanted to spend with my kids. I can't do it all right. I have all these domains that are so important to me. And I think, okay, if I can just get all of these ducks in a row, if I can just do all of these things well, I'll be a quote unquote, "Good person." Right?

I will be a well rounded, high achieving perfect person. And when you fail and you realize you are not going to meet your own criteria for self acceptance, you give up trying. Here's the thing, there's no criteria to meet for self acceptance. You just do it.

You just say, "I accept myself." There you go. Bam. You don't have to earn it. You don't have to earn your love for yourself. You just get to have it. Oh my gosh. How amazing? Now what we've done is we've basically taken that slate, we have wiped it clean, all of the negative self talk.

"I'm a bad mom. I'm a bad employee. I'm a bad wife. I'm a bad whatever." Wipe it clean. I accept myself. I'm imperfect in this thing, but I'm still showing up. I'm imperfect in that thing, but I'm still showing up. This is a part of the process. This is the journey. This is life.

I accept myself through all of the phases of my life, all of the shades of this color are accepted. The highs and lows, it's all accepted. Great. Now the wonderful thing about that is that once you do that, now you're free to just identify things you want to do because you love them.

Now you're not doing anything because you don't want to do it, or because you don't want to have the negative feelings of not doing it. So instead of exercising, because I don't want to identify myself as lazy or worthless or ugly or fat or whatever, now I just get to move my body because it feels good and because I like it.

So now I get to choose which activity do I like to do the best that's going to help me move my body. Right? Now, everything is open to you. Do whatever you love. Then you're showing up to the exercise class because you love it, because it's fun to dance around doing zumba with your friends, not because you're desperately trying to cling to this notion of, am I good enough? Am I good enough?

Now you just get to do it because it's fun. Who do you thinks going to be able to sustain that longer, the person who just loves it so they want to go, they can't wait to go. When they get done with work, they're rushing there because their friends are there and they're going to dance together for an hour and get a little sweat on and feel really good.

Or the person's like, "Oh my gosh, after work, I'm tired. I don't want to go. I have to go so that I don't mentally beat myself up for the rest of the night for not going." It's not going to sustain. Same thing with the kids, find something that you love to do together. I accept myself as a mom.

Sometimes I'm a good mom. Sometimes I'm a bad mom. Here's the thing about clinging so tightly to this belief that you have to be a good mom, it keeps you from being a good mom. So for example, let's say I am with my teenager and I get fussy with him and I kind of have an attitude or I'm less patient than I want to be.

If I can't recognize that in that moment, I was a quote, unquote, "Bad mom," or that I was less than what I wanted to be in that moment, how can I ever A, work to continue to try to get better at that. B, apologize to him and model that appropriate apology for falling short of both of our expectations.

And C, recognize that I'm a flawed human being, just like every other human being and that this is okay and I forgive myself for that. If I can't ever see myself in the light of being an imperfect mom, I can't be a closer to perfect mom. I can't be as good as I want to be until I'm willing to recognize that sometimes I'm not as good as I want to be.

It's important that I recognize that clinging so tightly to one specific identity keeps me from meeting that, keeps me from embodying that, keeps me from being that thing, right? If I'm clinging so tightly to, "I follow through, I follow through, I follow through. I'm the person who follows through," but I haven't chosen an exercise routine that I love.

So really the only reason I'm showing up is so that I desperately avoid the possibility of believing I'm the kind of person that doesn't follow through, then I'm going to be the kind of person that doesn't follow through because I haven't even chosen something that I like.

And by the way, what's wrong with not following through on something that you don't love? If you start to go to an exercise class, you joined a gym, you go for six months and then you stop going. Why are you beating yourself up? You didn't like it enough.

That's okay. Choose something different instead of, "Oh my gosh, I can't ever stick with anything. I'm not good at anything. I don't keep my word. I waste money." It wasn't reinforcing enough. Find something you like better. Right? Find something you're doing because you love it so much that keeping you from doing it is hard.

Not getting you to do it, keeping you from doing it is challenging. It's okay to stop something that you don't love. That doesn't mean that you can't follow through, doesn't mean that you lack willpower, whatever, none of that. Maybe it just means you didn't love it.

And maybe that means you need to find something that you love better. But the problem is that when people stop doing something they said they were going to do, sometimes instead of being able to have the psychological flexibility to pivot to something different, you get stuck in a shame spiral of, "I knew I wasn't going to follow through.

I knew I was going to sign up and not be able to do it. I knew I wasn't going to blah, blah, blah." Maybe heard that in your own brain before. Instead, what we could do is have some flexibility and some curiosity, "Yeah. I stopped running. I really felt like I dreaded it every time I went. Yeah.

I just really didn't enjoy it. And that's why I stopped. Not cause I'm a piece of crap. I just didn't really like running. So I wonder what I would like better. Maybe hiking, maybe cycling, maybe weight lifting." Just some curiosity there. No judgment.

Just, "I stopped that. That's okay. Let's find something I like better." You stopped it because probably the reason that you started it was to avoid internal aversive stimuli of all these negative thoughts you were having about yourself. But when you're doing something that you really love, it's a lot easier.

That doesn't mean there aren't days that you don't want to go, but it's a lot easier because you're not fighting all of that dislike for the activity, plus all of this sort of self-loathing quick burning fuel that comes from just trying to do it to avoid some negative thoughts.

So if you choose a goal that you don't personally enjoy, the energy is off, the consistency is negatively affected. Choosing activities from a place of self love and not self hate. Self hate can also refer to and often does refer to body image. So if I don't love weightlifting, but I do it because I read that it helps me lose fat and I really hate my body, I might be doing this thing that I really don't enjoy because again, trying to avoid all these negative thoughts about my body.

I might be able to show up for a while and do it, but it's not going to last. It's been chosen from a place of my perceived lack of worth. And I've identified this is the specific way this has to look. There's so much rigidity there. You can feel the tension of it has to be this way, right? There's no curiosity, there's no lightness to it.

So values may look easy on the surface, but until you not only look at your values, but really dig into why you perceive a domain has a value to you, you might be choosing goals based on the right value, but the wrong reason. So if I'm using going on a road trip as an example, right? As a metaphor, the direction that I'm going is my value, West. I'm going West. The path that I'm driving on is my goals, right?

The goals take me towards the direction that I want to go. The reason why I've chosen that value is the fuel. The fuel or energy that is available to drive in that direction is going to be different if you're trying to leave a place you hated versus trying to get to a place you love.

The excitement, the desire, the optimism, the happiness, the contentment, all of those accompany doing something that you love, which is different than the energy of avoiding something you don't. When your fitness or parenthood or anything journey is driven by reducing the things that you hate about yourself, there's no finish line, there's no sense of achievement or mastery.

Because you are never going to reach that place. It's an illusion. It is an illusion because there will just be something new to hate about yourself. I can promise you this. Maybe you've already experienced this. When I finally got lean enough that I started to see my abs, my skin on my stomach because of kids was more visibly saggy. The texture was worse than if I have extra weight in my stomach.

So then it was, "Wow. I feel just as self-conscious about my stomach." I have the same sort of intensity of loathing in the way I'm viewing my body, even though I've done this thing. When it's coming from a place of reducing the things that you hate about yourself, it's impossible to finally reach a place where you're good enough in your own eyes.

Why is this the case? Because our achievement based competitive productivity obsessed culture will always find a new way to shame you and remind you of what you still lack, which spoiler alert, never ends because you are a human and you will never be perfect.

So the key to starting out on this journey in a way that is both enjoyable and sustainable is to acknowledge that weight loss slash muscle gain slash making everything from scratch slash having perfect children, whatever it is, it will never fill a void that exists if the void is based on your own lack.

Once you build the muscle, lose the weight, have the perfect kids, et cetera, there's always going to be some part of you or some part of your environment that isn't measuring up, that doesn't meet your expectations.

And that serves as a constant thorn in your side, reminding you that you're not allowed to rest, not yet allowed to be happy, not yet worthy of the love you desire until you fix what continues to be wrong.

The world of fitness that I envision teaches women how to be on a fitness journey from a place of true love and self acceptance, and to use that as fuel to push themselves forward in ways that they value.

Women who want to lift weights because they love the feeling of being strong and want to care for their bodies throughout the lifespan by using resistance training to mitigate all of the negative effects of aging, like muscle loss, bone loss, risk of fracture, loss of mobility, loss of access to friends and family.

Not coming from a place where women go to subscribe to patriarchal beauty standards or to rid themselves of those parts that they hate or to fill some void created by society, but which doesn't actually need to exist. The athletic toned six pack body type portrayed in the media is available to very few people.

Most of it is genetics. But there are a ton of other factors as well, like access to high quality food and training, access to the right equipment, access to time to be able to train, access to the emotional and psychological bandwidth, to identify coping mechanisms other than food.

A larger bodied woman working multiple jobs to make ends meet may never have abs and thus will go her whole life feeling less than. I've been working with a client now for six months who has fallen in love with weight training.

And although her body continues to adapt and develop in whatever ways it needs to in order to fuel her training, the most compelling result of her work is her vibe. I know that's not very behavior analytic, and I will try to explain it here in a way that's more concrete and observable. So we work together remotely.

And so I don't get to see her in person all of the time. But when I saw her in person a week ago, as compared to the first time I saw her, she was completely different. So not talking about the outside. There was the energy, the energy was light.

She was smiling more. There was an easygoing happiness. She was engaging in behaviors that led me to believe she was relaxed and at home in her body and clearly more comfortable in her body, in the world. During previous meetings, she was fidgety, she appeared to be nervous, eye contact was more challenging, she presented as socially anxious in different environments.

For me, to see a woman step into her own body, her own presence with power, there's nothing more rewarding than that because that woman takes it with her wherever she goes and with whomever she interacts. She brings with her to every interaction, a sense that she knows who she is and that she intends to both do no harm nor take any shit.

She's a woman who's not attached to what you think of her, to what society thinks of her, because she's turned the focus inward and she understands that the first opinion she trusts and values is the one she has of herself. A woman like this cannot be tossed about by the winds of life.

She cannot be swayed to break boundaries in place to protect her. If she says she loves you, you believe it, because it's true, because she radiates truth and honesty in every room. She's seen herself in good light and bad, through the hard times, through the easy times. She's arrived here at this final place with an unbreakable sense of who she is.

That is what comes from choosing to engage in activities and behaviors that are fueled from a sense of self acceptance and self love. I'm sure she started her fitness journey with a sense of everything she lacked. She hired me to help her finally make it possible for her to love herself.

She thought that the way that would happen was by changing her outside, but that's not it. When I asked her the other day how she was feeling about herself, she said proud, proud that she prioritized her mental health by going to the gym every day, proud that she was feeding herself with more love, more veggies, more protein.

Proud that she said she was going to do something and she did it. Proud of how her strength was increasing. Proud of how capable and strong she feels in life. She's different in ways that are less quantifiable, but more profound and undeniable. I'm proud because she's learning how to be in and love a body that will change throughout the lifespan.

It's so normal. And she can extend that kindness to herself despite her physical presentation. She sees health as it truly is, movement, resistance training, healthy eating treats and indulgences in moderation. She's recognized that her body was just a scapegoat for all the self care she wasn't doing, no boundaries to set aside time for working out, no taking the time to prepare a nice healthy meal for herself, no mindful eating.

And then all the consequences of that, poor sleep, fatigue, sluggishness, lack of motivation. The amazing thing about being a personal trainer is that yes, women absolutely come to me in the beginning and say, one of their many goals is to lose weight. But usually, more profound than that is that they want to feel confident in their bodies. They want to feel and be more capable. They want to feel and be stronger.

I don't think we perceive that there's anything wrong with our bodies until society says so, until someone tells us. Right? Until we view some kind of marketing or ad campaign that communicates to us what women are supposed to look like and how women are supposed to show up in the world.

And then we use that information to tell ourselves a story about ourselves and how we're showing up in the world. I want to help women create a fitness journey that's fueled by what's meaningful to them. How much you weigh is an arbitrary number that society told you is, or isn't correct.

Right? If nobody ever told you that a certain number was good or bad, you wouldn't know it. But you would know whether or not you felt capable or strong or confident, right? Let's say before scales were invented, before there was a specific body type people were trying to achieve, if you were gathering crops for dinner, you would know it if your back was achy, you would know it if you felt kind of tired and not as fit as usual.

That's how you would measure. You would go inside of yourself to measure, not outside. You wouldn't look at society, you wouldn't look at the people around you to tell you if you're healthy, you would check in with yourself. How am I feeling? I'm not feeling as well lately. Okay. What do I need to do about that? These are the measures that I want women to determine their fitness journey. Can you do the things you want to do?

Are all the doors open to you? Right? Can you join your friends on a hike as easily as you can join your friends for sushi? Right? I have a friend who, whenever we get together, if we're talking about going on a hike, she says, "Oh, I'll skip it. But I'll hang out with you guys later." Or, "I'll hang out with you next time you're doing something different." That's a bummer.

That means that so many opportunities are unavailable to her, right? I don't want people to get fit so that they can meet some arbitrary number on the scale. I want them to get fit so they can hang out with whoever the hell they want to hang out with, whenever the hell they want to hang out with them. I want you to feel capable to do whatever you want.

The goal of finish shouldn't be to make you look like, or be like someone else. It shouldn't be to get you to have a specific body type. It should be to open doors, make life bigger and more accessible, make more things possible. You can ride on rides if you want, you can go roller skating if you want.

You can go zip lining, you can go swimming, snorkeling, dancing. You can play tag with your kids. You can block your grandson's soccer goal attempt. You can make love. This is fitness. Not what we've been told it is, which is sometimes losing access to all of those things that I just mentioned in pursuit of some goal. Right?

I'm going to spend so much time in the gym and I'm going to eat so rigidly, I don't have time to go zip lining. I don't have time to make love. I don't have time to play with my kids. No. This is not it. It's an air ball. It was headed in the right direction, and it went way too far the other way.

So when you're thinking about what you're doing, how you're spending your time in life, where's that fuel coming from? You're in the car, you're driving on the path of your goals. You're headed towards your value destination. What's the fuel you're using? Is it fuel of self hatred? Is it fuel of self-loathing?

Are you trying to bully yourself into engaging in a behavior? Or is it, "I can't wait to go where I'm going. I'm so excited. I have so much happiness and optimism and hope and joy for the fun things that lie ahead."

Or is it, "Just please, God, get me away from all of those negative things that I was saying to myself. I'm just driving in any direction that takes me away from those negative things." The problem is that the direction you're going, right?

The path that you're on might not be right for you. You're headed towards the right value, fitness, maybe, but you're on the wrong path because you're not excited about where you're going. You haven't identified. What path do you want to take? Do you want to take the path that's by the ocean? You want to take the path that's through the forest?

There're a thousand different ways to get healthy. There're a thousand different ways to be fit. If your value is fitness, identifying the path that you love, because you love yourself enough to allow yourself to engage in behaviors that you love is the only way to sustain it. Hey, Amber, I love you. So I'm going to choose activities that you like.

This is a process. It takes time. So be gentle with yourself. Be so gentle and so kind. Most people aren't at risk of being too kind to themselves. You might think if I'm too gentle to myself, if I'm too kind, if I'm too accepting, I will just turn into a slug that does nothing. I think you'll find the opposite is true.

I think you'll turn into a slug that does nothing in regards to things you don't like and things that you don't value. And I would take that as a win. But then what happens is when you stop doing things you hate, you have energy for things you love, and then you can move towards the things that are really fun for you.

And that's how you sustain a fitness journey, by doing what you love. So go out there this week, be so kind and gentle to yourself, identify the fuel that's pushing you on your path. Is it self-loathing or self-acceptance? If it's self-loathing, work on that. There are a lot of ways to work on that.

If you need some resources, reach out. I can definitely point you in the right direction. A lot of good books, a lot of good talks. So many amazing authors are speaking on this, and I can point you in a direction that will be helpful. Have a wonderful week, have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I can't wait to check in next week to talk about systems work. And take care. See you next time!